Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
