A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
