i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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