wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
