I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
