Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
