it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
