I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
