At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
