Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
