What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
