im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
