I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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