had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just crazy horny about you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
