when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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