Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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