Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
