no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
