guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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