kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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