i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
