I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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