The maid of honor just puked.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
