Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
