guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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