Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
