I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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