I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
