If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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