it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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