Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
