He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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