And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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