So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
