Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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