actually, I'm a sock model
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You took a bar mat shot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
