It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
