Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
