I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
