Please, let me fuck your mom
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
