I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
