I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
