Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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