Don't make out with my wife yet
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
