tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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