When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
