Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
