I just threw up on my dentist
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
