I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
