my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
